This poem was read by Gene Nelson on KSFO radio
San Francisco, California...Christmas, 1975


Funny, Funny Mother

See mother

see mother laugh

mother is happy

mother is happy about Christmas

mother has many plans

mother has many plans for Christmas

mother is organized

mother smiles all the time

funny, funny mother


See mother

see mother smile

mother is happy

the shopping is done

Santa is ready

oh, look, look

see the children

see the children watch t.v.

watch, children, watch

see the children change their minds

see them ask Santa for different toys

look, look

mother is not smiling

funny, funny mother


See mother

see mother sew

mother will sew dresses

mother will make robes

mother will make shirts

look, look

mother put the zipper in wrong

see mother sew the dress on the wrong side

see mother cut the skirt too short

see mother put the material away until January

look, look

see mother take a pill

funny, funny mother


See mother

see mother buy raisins and nuts

see mother buy canned pineapple and powdered sugar

see mother buy flour and dates and pecans and brown sugar

and bananas and spices and vanilla

look, look

mother is mixing everything together


See the children

see the children laugh

they are making cookies

see the children press out the cookies

see the children with flour on their elbows

see the cookies burn

see the cake fall

see the children pull taffy

see mother pull her hair

see mother clean the kitchen with the garden hose

funny, funny mother


See mother

see mother wrap presents

see mother look for the end of the scotch tape roll

see mother bite her nails

see mother wrap herself in cellophane

see mother go to the store twelve times in one hour

go, mother, go

see mother run

run, mother, run


See mother trim the tree

see mother have a party

see mother make popcorn

see mother scrub the rug

see mother tear up her organized plan

see mother forget the gift for Uncle Harold

see mother get the hives

look, look

see the faraway look in mothers eyes

mother is disorganized

funny, funny mother


It is finally Christmas morning

see the happy family

see father smile

father is happy

smile, father, smile

father loves fruitcake

father loves Christmas pudding

father loves his new neckties

look, look

see the happy children

see the childrens toys

Santa was very good to the children

the children will remember this Christmas

See mother

see mother slumped in her chair

mother is crying uncontrollably

mother does not look well

mother has ugly, dark circles under her bloodshot eyes

everyone will help mother to bed

mother will sleep quietly under sedation

see mother smile

funny, funny, mother


Martha Stewart's Holiday Calendar

December 1... Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upsidedown and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2... Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3... Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat -o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4... Repaint Cistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5... Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6... Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7... Debug Windows '95

December 10... Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11... Lay Fabrege egg.

December 12... Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13... Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14... Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15... Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17... Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19... Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20... Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21... Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22... Wish Dave a Happy Birthday.

December 23... Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24... Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 25... Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.



Happy Holidays From
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